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Breaking the Cycle

Sermon by Rev. Doug Pratt — November 25, 2007
 

Introduction
The American Family: most experts are saying that it’s in deep trouble. If prime-time television is a barometer of our society, look at the condition of the family in our popular sitcoms. Fifty years ago, the airwaves were ruled by a homey sitcom called Father Knows Best. Set in the imaginary Middle-America town of Springfield, the show gave a homogenized and idealistic view of family life. The Andersons were truly the all-American family of the ’50’s. Father Jim, a successful professional who never had to work late and always had time for his family, was a steady rock of reason and wisdom. The mother, Margaret, was the center of emotional warmth and compassion for the kids, and also the consummate homemaker: cooking and cleaning every day in her prom dress, maintaining an immaculate house. The teenage kids (Bud, Betty and Kitten) go through a few problems of adolescence, but nothing that can’t be solved with a dose of paternal advice within 30 minutes. How pleasant and serene family life was in the ‘50’s!

Then we fast-forward to our own times, and tune in to the cartoon sitcom The Simpsons. This show is likewise set in a mythical Springfield, and the creator has intentionally set out to create the opposite of Father Knows Best. The members of the Simpson household are as different from the Andersons as you could imagine. The father, Homer, is a loser, a failure, called “Bonehead” by his boss every day at work at the local nuclear power plant. Homer comes home beaten down each day, only to be more frustrated by his disrespectful and out-of-control kids. Obnoxious Bart (the classic underachiever), sneaky Lisa the manipulator, and baby Maggie all leave Homer frustrated and mouthing his partial oath, “Why you little…!” Mother Marge, with her beehive hairdo and size 13 shoes, is equally incompetent as a wife and mother. This, apparently, is what the American family has become—when it’s intact. If you want to go to a further extreme, change the channel to Desperate Housewives for their stories of brokenness and infidelity.

It’s not just on the small screen that we find pain and brokenness and unhappiness in personal and family lives. It’s all around us. I had an extended conversation a few weeks ago with the Lee County Director of the Young Life ministry. The target of Young Life is reaching for Christ kids who are “unchurched,” who are not from Christian homes and not part of church youth ministries. It’s always been a challenge to reach kids like this, who are usually part of circles and peer groups very distant from the Gospel. But the director told me that in recent years they have noticed a dramatic increase in personal problems. “When we lead these kids to Christ, so many of them have such brokenness, such shame, such pain and dysfunction in their lives it takes us a long time and a lot of work to just get them healthy enough to begin growing spiritually and become part of a fellowship group.” These are our times.

An Ancient Dysfunctional Family
But messed-up and broken families are not unique to the late 20th and early 21st centuries. They have always been with us. In fact, in our study of Scripture today we’re going all the way back to the very first book of the Bible: Genesis. And there we will find that the preeminent family described in the book was filled with a level of dysfunction and brokenness worthy of any modern sitcom or soap opera. The family of Abraham—his wife Sarah, son Isaac, Isaac’s sons Jacob and Esau, and the twelve sons of Jacob—provides a case study in the dysfunctional family. And, as we will see, it also demonstrates how God helps us break those destructive patterns and cycles.

Here’s a quick review: for several generations we have seen repeated patterns of rivalry, jealousy, scheming, self-interest and favoritism on the part of the parents, and bitter rivalry between siblings. With each new offense there comes another round of separation, bitterness and talk of revenge. How does one break such a pattern? Because of our sinful human nature, these behaviors tend to reproduce themselves.

And so we get to the generation of the twelve sons of Jacob. The old man shows evident favoritism towards one of the younger boys, named Joseph. His older brothers resent and hate him, and they come up with a complicated plan to get rid of their rival. They fake his murder, sell him off to slave traders headed for Egypt, and then hoodwink their father—who goes into inconsolable grief. The ten guilty brothers carry around wounded consciences, and life in the family spirals downward.

Meanwhile, God comes to Joseph’s rescue and breaks the family cycle. Through an incredible series of events—and against all odds—this young slave rises to be the top administrator in the empire. His wealth and power and influence are unimaginable. And, at the zenith of his success, who should arrive at his doorstep but his brothers—with their hands out, begging for some food to take home to their father in the drought-stricken Holy Land. Talk about a golden opportunity for revenge! His betrayers are handed to him on the proverbial silver platter … just a word or a signal to his bodyguards and they’re done. And yet, in spite of all that has gone before, Joseph chooses to break the family cycle.

     ¹⁵When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?” ¹⁶So they sent word to Joseph, saying, “Your father left these instructions before he died: ¹⁷‘This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.’ Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father.” When their message came to him, Joseph wept.
     ¹⁸His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. “We are your slaves,” they said.
     ¹⁹But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? ²⁰You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ²¹So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

Genesis 50:15-21

It’s easy in reading this passage to overlook the very real drama of the moment. Joseph, in a position to exact vengeance on the brothers who had wronged him so many years before, displays true power—in resisting vengeance and choosing to offer forgiveness.

The Danger of Ruts
In the pioneer days of the Wild West, as brave (or desperate) Americans pushed beyond the comfortable settlements of the east into the unknown vastness of the prairie, their travel was significantly more grueling than ours today. Traveling by riverboat down the Ohio or Tennessee Rivers to St. Louis, and then up the Missouri to Kansas City, they would unload their goods onto wagons to continue the trek westward on the Santa Fe Trail. About a mile along that trail a crude hand-painted warning sign greeted them: “Stay out of the ruts, or you’ll be in them for the next 200 miles.” All of those wagon wheels had beaten down ruts in the soft dirt so deep that unsuspecting wagons would be caught. At the beginning of the trail the ruts didn’t seem very deep, but as the wagons went on they sunk deeper, and it was harder to get out of them.

That’s what can happen with habits and patterns of behavior. Feeling too tired at the end of the day to communicate with a family member can gradually become a creeping separateness and isolation. A little nightcap or two to help you sleep can turn into a dependence on alcohol. A problem with a brother or sister that you choose not to resolve doesn’t go away; it just becomes a growing obstacle between you. The way our parents mistreated us can become the unconscious way we treat our kids, and so the bad pattern perpetuates. Ruts and cycles of behavior can become increasingly difficult to break.

Breaking the Cycle
This is why the story of Joseph and his choice to break the family pattern of revenge is so beloved and cherished. It offers hope to all of us. It shows us how God—who wants us to live a life of wholeness and grace and forgiveness and reconciliation—can work little miracles to stop bad patterns and turn them around. Joseph was first deeply touched by the Lord, and then God’s grace prompted him to extend grace to those who had wronged him. The power of God is as real today as it was then, and as accessible to you and me as it was to Joseph.

Recently I attended a conference in which a Christian counselor was speaking about a woman with whom he had worked for several months. He called her Jill (not her real name). And if I had to put a title on Jill’s story, it would be “From Victim to Victorious.” Let me give you a few of the highlights.

Jill had grown up in an abusive family. She and her sister had both been molested frequently by their father. The mother, afraid of his temper and of losing the security of the husband’s income, defended him to preserve the marriage. The daughters were told to keep quiet, and made to feel that what their father was doing was okay. Jill escaped from the home as soon as she could, but did so by throwing herself into one relationship after another. Often the man she attached to was abusive; all of them were unable to make a true commitment and provide Jill with the security she longed for. Although she was very bright—earning Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees, and able to land some well-paying jobs—her personal life was a mess and she was miserable. God seemed so far away. The secular psychologist she visited told her that her problems weren’t her fault. She was a victim. Other people were to blame for her depression and her abuse of pain medicine and her failed marriages. She should feel good about herself, tell herself “I’m okay” and love herself. The self-help books she read gave her the same message. But her patterns continued.

Finally, on the recommendation of a friend, she went to see the Christian counselor. He helped her to understand for the first time the message of Christ’s forgiveness. And, also for the first time, he helped her to honestly face the reality about herself. She wasn’t just a helpless victim, whose problems could all be blamed on others. Yes, people had sinned against her. But she had also chosen, many times, to sin herself. The bad patterns had been perpetuated by her personal choices.

And here’s the key insight that she gained, from studying God’s Word with her counselor. All the efforts of pop psychology to absolve her of any responsibility, so that she’d feel good about herself and have a high self-esteem, were misguided. It was when she admitted that she had done wrong, and confessed that to the Lord, and experienced His forgiveness and cleansing, that for the first time in her life she did not feel powerless. She wasn’t a helpless victim. She had the power in every situation, by God’s Spirit within her, to make good choices. Confession did not bring her shame but liberation. By choosing to accept responsibility for her sins, Jill realized that she could act differently in the future. She went from being a helpless self-pitying victim to being a victorious Christian. She gave up the pain pills and anti-depressants. She forgave her father and mother and her ex-husbands for their sins against her, and let go of all that bitterness and baggage. She formed healthy friendships and relationships. And she surrendered her life every day to Jesus Christ to guide her and help her do what was right.

The story of Jill, I believe, is a modern parallel to Joseph’s story from so long ago. By the power of God, painful or unhealthy patterns are stopped, broken relationships are healed, and new, healthy choices are made. Maybe someone here this morning needs to undergo a similar transformation. There are a few steps we all need to take.

1. We need to face the truth about ourselves and our actions and patterns. Is there some part of your life that’s not what it should be, not pleasing to God? You can expend a great deal of energy and thought in trying to find other people to blame or trying to excuse your actions. But in the end those efforts at self-justification and avoidance of responsibility never bring us to wholeness. God calls us to admit our sins and confess them to Him. His forgiveness and cleansing are tremendously powerful.


2. We need to discover other ways of acting than the ruts and patterns we’ve fallen into. This is one of the great blessings of the Bible: it shows us lots of real-life examples, not only of what we are prone to do wrong (like Joseph’s family), but also of what we can choose to do that is right (like Joseph’s forgiveness and “burying the hatchet” with his brothers). Sometimes it helps to talk with an understanding and wise person: a pastor, a counselor, a friend, a mentor. Sometimes it requires that we step back from our situation mentally and try to look at it from other angles. How might I act differently? What choices could I make that could break a cycle or restore a relationship? Obviously we can’t control another person. But we can control how we act. And sometimes that’s all it takes to break a cycle.


3. We need to take positive action. We need to do something to break a cycle or start a new and godly pattern. Good intentions are a start, but they need to be confirmed by good behavior. Perhaps there is something you need to do today that will bring a blessing to yourself and someone else. A concrete action is a way of lifting a wagon out of its ruts and setting it on a new course. Maybe it means tossing out that carton of cigarettes or flushing the gin down the drain. Maybe it means going for a walk or bike ride this afternoon to start getting some exercise. Maybe it means calling the doctor’s office tomorrow morning for an appointment, or calling up or emailing a sister you haven’t spoken to for months to apologize and re-establish communication.

Conclusion: We Can Change, But We Can’t Change Alone
Finally, I want to make it clear that I am not presenting to you this morning a message of simple “positive thinking” or willpower. The process of true change does involve our own will and choices. But it also involves help and support—from others, and most importantly from the Lord. Had God not changed his heart, Joseph could have never broken the cycle of his family patterns. Whatever ruts we are in, we need the Lord as well. It is no shame, but a sign of wisdom, to seek help. It is not weakness but personal and spiritual maturity to turn to God.

In the early ’90’s William Hurt starred in a moving feature film called The Doctor. He plays a cocky, hot-shot surgeon on the staff of a huge hospital in San Francisco. The doctor is a completely self-confident and self-reliant man, with his world firmly under control. And he’s also very insensitive to the feelings and needs of his family and his patients. Then disaster strikes him and rocks his secure life. He is diagnosed with cancer. At first he tries to deal with it in his own strength alone, but it’s too much for him to handle. Slowly we see his tough exterior shell start to chip away. Slowly he begins to feel again, and to see himself not as the omnipotent doctor but as a scared and sick man. In the climactic scene of the film, after throat surgery that has left him temporarily unable to speak, he drops completely his wall of self-sufficiency. He writes a note to his wife and holds it up to her, saying simply “I need you!” It was a giant step for him, a difficult but ultimately healing thing to admit. That was the beginning, not only of rebuilding his marriage, but also of becoming a caring and compassionate surgeon.

It’s okay to admit that we have needs. It’s okay to depend upon other people, to show them our weaknesses. Most importantly, it makes a huge difference in our lives when we come to the place where we can say to God, “I need You.” We don’t have to be strong and in control all the time. And we don’t have to pretend we’re perfect and blameless. We can confess our sins and acknowledge our needs—and in doing so, we open ourselves to receive from our Heavenly Father what we most need.

God doesn’t ask us to solve our problems alone. He doesn’t withhold His love from us until we’re perfect. No, He loves us right where we are, with all our flaws and bad habits and ruts and sins. And He loves us so much that He wants to help us get out of them, help us break the unhealthy cycles, help us become whole and complete. If you’re struggling alone with something today, why don’t you lower your walls, and let the Lord in to be your Helper?