Years ago, I met with a young man contemplating divorce from his wife. As I remember, he had no particular reason for wanting to divorce her, only that he no longer loved her. They had a couple of small children, and when I questioned him about the effect this might have on his children, he indicated that there would be none whatsoever and that they knew both parents loved them and, therefore, would be just fine. It became apparent that he was looking not for counseling but for my blessing on his decision to leave his wife. I recommended a book that had just come out, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study by Judith Wallerstein.
In her book, Wallerstein summarizes the findings of her interviews with over 130 children from divorced families over a 25-year period, beginning in 1975 and ending in 2000. At the outset of the study in 1975, Wallerstein held the opinion that children would be much better off with their parents divorcing than living in a conflictual home environment. By 2000, these children were now in their 30s and 40s. As adults, their responses to their parents’ divorces were at complete odds with Wallerstein’s initial assumptions in 1975. Although some forged solid relationships and families as adults, many could not develop long-lasting relationships as they harbored considerable anger toward their parents, with many stating they wished their parents had remained together. It appeared that divorce did indeed have far-reaching and long-standing effects. Wallerstein found that divorce affected children in ways she had not expected.
I share this not to single out divorce or children of divorce but rather to suggest that any disunity in the home, starting with marriage, can have long-term consequences, and Christians are not immune to this. Sin in the form of blame, anger, accusations, and avoidance are the great disconnectors in relationships. They separate us not only from each other but also from God. And they have consequences, many times seen but just as often unseen.
Ultimately, unity in the home between husband and wife begins with unity in relationship with God through Jesus Christ. If this vertical unity with God is absent, then the horizontal unity with a spouse will be affected. Interestingly, Scripture in both the Old and New Testaments speaks of the relationship between God and his people and Christ and the Church resembling the relationship between a husband and wife. Christ is the groom, and the church is his bride. Why? Because Christ desires the same intimacy in our relationship with him that we have with our spouse. In fact, marriage is to mirror the relationship we have with Christ. That’s why I’ve always said that when marriage is working, it’s the closest we’ll be to heaven on earth, but when it’s not, it’s the closest to hell on earth we’ll experience.
How, then, do we maintain Christian unity? First, by strengthening the relationships with our spouse, children, and even our parents and siblings. This requires ongoing forgiveness and reconciliation, something significantly lacking in today’s world. We forgive and reconcile because Christ first forgave and reconciled with us even when we weren’t seeking it or deserved it. When there is Christ-centered unity in the home, the church will be more unified in its dependence on Christ. In Matthew 12:25, Jesus said it well: “every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.” A divided home is essentially a forerunner to a divided church, community, and society.
I don’t know what eventually happened to the young man who came in for counseling years ago or what happened to his family and children. I know that conflict and disunity happen at one time or another in every marriage and family. However, seeking Christ’s healing peace, and restoration in our relationships is never too late. He is our hope and peace. In him is perfect unity.
by Dr. Al Barrow
